Dan Krisch: This Crystal Ball Is Full Of Wisecracks
I am gazing into my slightly cracked crystal ball. Other, wiser souls recently offered insightful and serious forecasts in this publication about the paths on which the law may tread in 2014. Pish-posh. I prefer to amble about the lesser plane of wisecracks, sardonic quips and (tongue-in-cheek) wishful thinking. Just remember, folks, you read it here first™!
• In 2014, Justice Antonin Scalia will shock the world by singing the lead in "Pagliacci" at the Met – in a performance the New York Times will pan as "activist." Not to be outdone, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will become the first member of the Supreme Court to win a bracelet at the World Series of Poker.
• In 2014, at least one state will declare opposite-sex marriage illegal because "high divorce rates among heterosexual couples tear at the social fabric of our country."
• In 2014, lawyers will continue to overuse adverbs and underuse logic.
• In 2014, Colorado will realize that it was futile to legalize the recreational use of marijuana without also legalizing the sale of Doritos in 10-gallon bags.
• In 2014, television fans will file a class action lawsuit for intentional infliction of emotional distress based on the untimely, and sometimes implausible, deaths of main characters. Congress will respond by passing the Brody-Crawley-Schrader Resurrection and Viewer Protection Act, which will require networks, if a majority of a show's audience requests it, to bring deceased characters back as ghostly blue figures like Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Empire Strikes Back."
• In 2014, Papa John's, Amazon.com and the NSA will start a joint venture to drone-deliver pizza to anyone whose emails, texts, Facebook status or Twitter feed contains any of the following words: "hunger," "hungry," "starving," "ravenous," "Bill Clinton," or "Colorado resident".
• In 2014, a major Connecticut law firm will defy the recent merger frenzy and dissolve into a loosely-affiliated group of anarcho-syndicalist attorney communes. The so-called "Constitutional Peasant" model will revolutionize the legal industry . . . until a copyright infringement suit by John Cleese, Eric Idle and Michael Palin.
• In 2014, the legislative history for a bill passed by our General Assembly will include either the word "Dickensian," or the word "fluffernutter." But not both because I'm pretty sure that dear old Mr. Dickens was a PB&J man.
• In 2014, I will not write a column that contains a joke as god-awful unfunny as the previous prediction.