Dan Krisch: This Crystal Ball Is Full Of Wisecracks
• In 2014, Puerto Rico will secede … from the First Circuit. (Seriously, though, does anyone on the Senate Judiciary Committee own a map??)
• In 2014, at least one major American law school will switch to an optional third-year format. Not to be outdone, Harvard and Yale will add a mandatory fourth year that will consist entirely of studying the Blue Book and cite-checking Law Review articles.
• In 2014, Judges Richard Posner, Alex Kosinski and J. Michael Luttig will form a rhythm & blues band called The Circuit Riders that will tour the country to rave reviews – but they'll be booed offstage at a benefit concert in Berkley, Cal.
• In 2014, the elevators in the New Haven and Bridgeport courthouses will run smoothly and efficiently. (As I said, some of these are simply wishful thinking.)
• In 2014, the Judicial Branch will approve a pilot program of limited-scope appellate representation – and I will make a fortune writing reply briefs and handling the rebuttal portion of oral arguments.
• In 2014, the Judiciary Committee will reject the Frutarian Society of America's proposal for a Plant Bill of Rights. Among the enumerated provisions: equal sunlight for leafy and non-leafy species, new potting soil every six months and cat protection nets for ferns.
• In 2014, after a stunning sweep of the mid-term elections, the Republican majority in the Senate will retroactively reject all of President Barack Obama's judicial nominees and will create a Select Committee to investigate the link between Kenyan birth and climate change.
• In 2014, we will leave the world a better place than we found it. (Let's hope that one isn't just wishful thinking. Happy New Year, everyone!)